It’s always interesting to see how things change.
“There is no greater way to fade from the winter that I am and die than to watch her bloom into the spring that she mesmerizingly is”. I wrote that sentence 3 years ago, but now is when I’m beginning to understand what I was trying to tell myself.
I’ve been journaling, I’ve been meditating, I’ve been reading, I’ve been listening, I’ve been learning, and I’ve been growing.
My life is not like it was 2 years ago, nor will it be the way it is now. I’m looking forward to everyday and the opportunities that come with it. I’m more curious than ever.
I’m also now beginning to acknowledge and accept that I’m in my grieving stage.
I’ve lived a life filled with guilt, and that made me feel like I didn’t deserve to grief.
A year of continuous conscious healing came down to an intense week of saying goodbye. I felt like I was ready, like it was time. I’ve made my peace with the old versions of myself.
It wasn’t easy because the hardest part of grieving was also saying goodbye to those attached to the guilt infused version of myself. To those who have interpreted my growth as more of a threat than a wonderful part of life to experience.
People somehow have their own subconscious needs, and when that is met with a warning sign that is your ‘change/growth’, it’s then taken as a personal attack.
See, you know your story, what you’re going through, and what you need to heal. Those around you, most of them, probably don’t.
I’ve had people thinking that every decision I’ve made is all about them or because of them. It’s funny because the current healthier version of myself has better things to think about than to want to make their lives miserable. I’ve also had people thinking that I’m ruining my life this way just because I don’t fall into what they think is the ‘right’ way to live life.
I’m learning to be open about myself. This also helps to avoid this confused vendetta like analysis coming from the people being a part of my experience.
I’ve been bombarded with positive reactions and just as much negative. Being aware and conscious of the life I’m building for myself is showing me the kind of people I need to surround myself with. People in which my decisions are not taken as an assault to their, traumatically drilled into their subconscious mind’s, needs.
This year, I’ve opened my eyes to what’s it like to be genuine and be surrounded by a feeling of genuineness. To me, a support system chooses to be there with no expectations. A support system accepts you for who you are, not who they want you to be.
I’ve had people not approving of the path I’m taking but welcomed my thoughts and feelings with open ears and understanding. I’ve also had people offering advice to follow what they consider the ‘right’ path yet still supported me following my own path.
Change is inevitable, and I want to surround myself with positivity and support. I’ve already began rebuilding my support system, but it started with the hardest part. It was letting go to make room for something better.